Leo's Letters
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: Just some of our leader-in-blue's thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**~ 1 ~**

 _Nothing hurts quite as much as realizing that maybe you don't mean as much to people as you thought you did. That maybe, even though you spent your whole life helping them, you really don't mean a damn thing to them. That maybe they wouldn't even notice if you were gone._

 _And part of you knows that this isn't true, but that rational side is drowned out by your hurt and anger and fear. Because if what you've spent your whole life doing isn't good enough...then what exactly are you good for?_

 _Take me for example. I've spent my whole life helping my family, keeping them happy and safe and warm, and what do I get for it? Just nasty looks, accusations, names thrown at me. I get called selfish, and mean, and a thousand other things that I'm not going to put in here. I get told that I never take responsibility for my actions. That I'm always pushing the blame onto someone else._

 _And over time, those accusations - false though they may be - start to get to you. They start to really hurt. But what can you do about it? Nothing, except put on a mask each and every day. Smile and pretend it doesn't bother you. Laugh it off._

 _After all, isn't that what life is all about? Pretending to be something you're not?_

 _I've done that every single day for the past ten years of my life. It's sad to say, but... I'm used to it. I'm used to the name calling and the nasty looks and the rolled eyes. I'm used to sucking it up and dealing with it._

 _After all, if I didn't do it, who would?_


	2. Chapter 2

**~ 2 ~**

 _Sometimes I have to wonder if my being here is really doing anyone any good. I could easily be replaced with someone more compassionate, someone more "fun." Someone who's a better leader, protector, brother._

 _After all, there's nothing that I do that's special. Not really. I just give orders - that my brothers don't even follow half the time - and watch their backs. That could be done by anyone. Doesn't have to be done by me._

 _Anyone can give orders. Anyone can lead the team. Anyone can do katas and handle missions and whatever else I'm here for._

 _I'm not good at anything else._ _I can't cook. I'm not smart. I don't have any raw talents. The leadership position is all I have, and if that could be done by someone far more competent than myself, then why am I even here?_

 _Would anyone even miss me if I was gone? All Raph does anymore is fight with me and question my orders. Donnie barely **looks** at me. Mikey...Mikey follows Raph's lead. Of course he does._

 _I'm useless._


	3. Chapter 3

**~ 3 ~**

 _Everything hurts tonight. Please, someone, just make it stop. I can't do this. I can't be leader. I can't be a big brother. I just...I can't._

 _My demons are screaming at me and trying to claw their way out. They're going to kill me._

 _Everyone expects me to be so goddamn perfect. To set a good example. To not mess up. To not complain. To bear the load that they heaped onto my shoulders._

 _And I can't do it._

 _I'm this close to a mental breakdown...it's been a really crappy day for me. Mikey was constantly getting on my nerves just to annoy me. Raph contradicted every single thing that I said. And Donnie stayed silent and let them do it._

 _Sensei, of course, only sees the results of my actions, so if I yell at Mikey that's all he hears. He doesn't see the **other**_ _side of it, like how Mikey couldn't leave me alone. He doesn't see Raph arguing with me; all he sees is me wrestling with him when our argument turns physical._

 _I can't take this anymore._

 _I can't be the perfect son, or leader, or brother. I can't be "Fearless Leader." I can't do this. I can't._


	4. Chapter 4

**~ 4 ~**

 _Am I really the worst brother in the world? ...I honestly don't know the answer to that one anymore. Especially not since the guys keep making me feel like I am._

 _Can I help it if I have to be the responsible one? The one to point out the reality of situations? I'm just trying to do my job as the oldest sibling, but they don't see it that way. They only see it as me ruining their fun. "Popping their bubble," as it were._

 _But just because I point out the things that they'd have to deal with if they decided to do something, that doesn't make me a bad person, or a stick in the mud._

 _...does it?_

 _I'm trying my best here, I really am. Sometimes I just feel so excluded from the group. And every once in a while, I wish that I could be as optimistic as they are. I wish I could dream like they do. But I can't. Because I have to focus my attention and energy on making sure they're safe. That they're healthy. That they come home alive._

 _...but even though I have a good reason for being the way that I am, it still hurts when they look at me like I'm the meanest person in the world for crushing their dreams. I'm just trying to do my best._

 _And sometimes it feels like it isn't enough._


	5. Chapter 5

**~ 5 ~**

 _Everyone thinks I'm so freaking perfect. That my life is some sort of fairytale. They're jealous of me because I'm the oldest and it seems like I get the most benefits - but they don't see the other side. They don't know how much the responsibilities weigh on me._

 _No, instead I get called names like "teacher's pet" or "Splinter Junior." I get treated like dirt. I get told off for things that I had no part in, I get in trouble for things that I didn't even do. All because I'm the oldest son. All because I have to "set a good example." (_ _If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one...)_

 _I just...sometimes I wish that they'd see the other side of things. I wish they knew that I wasn't perfect - far from it. I wish they knew that I was just the same as everyone else, that I was struggling just like them._

 _But I guess I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Again. Because that's my job, apparently._


	6. Chapter 6

**~ 6 ~**

 _I'm starting to realize why my brothers seem to hate me so much...because I'm starting to hate me too._

 _I_ _t's hard to be around someone who, for all intents and purposes, is "perfect." Someone who gets a perfect score on every video game (as rarely as I play). Someone who appears to be good at everything they do. Someone who is the "teacher's pet," the favorite student, the chosen son._

 _Someone like me._

 _It doesn't matter if I claim I'm not perfect, because everything I do eventually turns out ridiculously well, even if I completely flubbed it up. And I can't fake it. I can't just fail because I don't **want** to be "perfect" at whatever-it-is. Because I'm so good at what I do that a failure is just not normal. And they immediately know I threw the game, or gave up so they could win, or whatever._

 _I hate it._


	7. Chapter 7

**~ 7 ~**

 _Why does it feel like I'm the one who does all the work around here? **I** make all the plans. **I** keep everyone safe and warm. **I'm** the one pushing everyone to do their best. **I'm** the one leading the patrols. _

_And what do my brothers do? Nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing._

 _Well, nothing except picking apart my plans and finding all the flaws that they can. And then complaining about said flaws._ _And yet, I don't see them lifting a finger to help me. If they have better ideas I'd be glad to hear them._

 _I'm just so tired of this._


End file.
